Voldemort's Newest Death Eaters
by AquilaTempestas
Summary: Voldemort discovers a new way to destroy Harry Potter once and for all, but will his cunning evil plan work? Crack.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling

**Title**

Voldemort's Newest Death Eaters

**Summary**

Voldemort discovers a new way to destroy Harry Potter once and for all, but will his cunning evil plan work?

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Dressed in a dark, flowing cloak, Voldemort sat down at his desk and glanced down at the parchment. He picked up the quill next to him and scratched his chin with his other hand. How could he destroy Harry Pooter? Or was it Harry Pothead? Harry Pooper perhaps? No, that didn't seem right. He needed to know the right name if he wanted to kill him. He reached a hand out towards his iPhone and glanced at the object. He didn't know how to work these muggle objects. "SNAPE!" He shouted, his voice booming through the halls of his underground cavern.

Severus Snape entered through the door and looked at Voldemort. "Yes?" he asked, in a bored voice. He hoped Voldemort didn't ask him to play a game of Twister again. He shuddered. Bad times, very bad times. There was a reason why he left the Death Eaters in the first place. He was only working for them now because he was a double agent, but Voldemort didn't know that.

"Severus Snape, what is the surname of that terrible student Harry?"

Thankfully, Severus Snape was smart and knew the names of all the students. "Harry Potter, my Lord," he replied politely. How stupid was Voldemort? Harry Potter was an easy name to remember. After all, his name was all over the place!

"Ah excellent, thank you for assistance." Snape turned to leave the room before being stopped. "Before you go, do you think you could pass me my apple juice and bar of chocolate?" Voldemort asked nicely.

Snape sighed. He walked over to the nearby table and picked up a glass of apple juice and a chocolate bar. Handing the two items to his fake master, he noticed a large piece of butcher's paper lying before Voldemort. He peered over Voldemort's shoulder and noticed an obscure drawing of what was apparently Harry Potter. "My Lord? Are you practicing your art skills again?"

Voldemort turned his attention back to his drawing; a stick figure of Harry Potter with an abnormally large head devoid of any hair. "No Snape, this is my plan to destroy Harry Pooter once and for all!" he cackled loudly.

"It's Potter, my Lord."

"Yes well, Pooter sounds better. Anyways, I'm going to kill him once and for all!" He unwrapped his chocolate bar and took a small bite.

"And how are you going to achieve that?"

Voldemort's eyes glinted maliciously. "With taser guns of course."

"Taser guns?"

He nodded. "Yes. These muggles use these things on other people." He pulled out a taser gun from under his robe and placed it on the table.

Snape sighed. "Harry is a wizard; I don't think a taser is going to stop him easily." Voldemort wasn't very good at thinking things through.

"The tasers will not be used by me, no, I'm giving them to my newest allies," Voldemort said.

"New recruits for the Death Eaters?"

Voldemort shook his head. "Even better." He held his arms up in the air and muttered an incantation under his breath. Purple flames burst out from the ground and formed a circle before him. Four colourful beings appeared. The flames died down and all four greeted their master. "Eh-oh!"

Snape brought a hand to his face. How embarrassing. "The Teletubbies, my Lord?"

Voldemort laughed and rubbed his hands together excitedly. "Yes... they have been enchanted. They are no longer saintly beings."

"My Lord? Many muggles view them as evil already." Even the half-bloods thought Teletubbies were frightening creatures.

The dark crazy wizard stroked his chin thoughtfully, contemplating Snape's words. "Well that's just too bad then. The Teletubbies will kill Harry Potter and they will take the blame instead of me." He laughed again, his voice echoing through the cavern passageways. His evilness was certainly impressive.

"I don't think that's going to work at all my Lord. The Teletubbies do not have any form of special powers to defeat Harry," Snape said, trying to reason with the crazy dark wizard.

Voldemort addressed Snape's concerns. "They will each be armed with a taser gun and they will shoot Harry. Po, my favourite Teletubby, will then cast Avada Kedavra and kill the little brat once and for all." He laughed a third time and took another bite out of his chocolate bar. "Now, take them to Harry's place. I don't want them getting lost on the way." He shooed Snape out of his room.

Snape sighed. This plan wasn't going to end well at all, but at least it would be amusing to watch. Without saying goodbye, Snape led the enchanted Teletubbies out of the cavern and towards Harry's home.

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Quite random and pointless really, but I had fun. This is going to be a two-shot. The showdown between Harry and the Teletubbies will happen in the next chapter. Fortunately, you will not have to wait too long as the next chapter is almost finished. Reviews much appreciated :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling

**Title**

Voldemort's Newest Death Eaters

**Summary**

Voldemort discovers a new way to destroy Harry Potter once and for all, but will his cunning evil plan work?

**Special Thanks**

Beizanten, kaihil lover and ElmMarauder82 for reviewing the previous chapter.

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Harry was in the middle of a Pilate's class when his front door to his bedroom fell down. Needless to say, he was quite surprised when Snape entered his room. But that's not what frightened him. Four Teletubbies were close behind and they looked evil! Po, the smallest of the lot, sneered and lifted his taser gun.

Harry's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open, like he was waiting to catch flies. "Um... hello?" Perhaps being polite would do the trick. That way all conflict could be avoided. "Would you like some tea?" he asked.

Snape brought a hand to his face, unable to bear witness to this scene. The Teletubbies all giggled hysterically, before Po aimed and took fire at Harry's head. Luckily, Harry was quite nimble! After all, he did play Seeker on the Quidditch team. He was good at avoiding things. Doing Pilates also helped. Harry leapt out of the way and landed on the ground.

Snape wasn't sure what to do. Help Harry and risk facing Voldemort's wrath or hope and pray the Teletubbies had an accident and killed each other? The latter seemed far more endearing. He didn't have to worry about the Teletubbies blabbing to Voldemort; they couldn't speak clearly anyway. "Harry, I'll help you but only because I hate these stupid things," he said, rolling his neck towards the Teletubbies.

It sounded good to Harry. "What should we do?" He ducked again.

The potions master looked around the room, searching for something to combat the Teletubbies with. His eyes landed on Harry's Pilates DVD case. Harry knew what he was looking at. "We'll use that."

"No."

Snape looked at him pleadingly. "Come on Harry."

Harry loved Pilate's way too much to risk damaging his precious case, even if it was to save his life. "Can't do."

It was a life and death situation now. The Teletubbies, despite being incredibly clumsy, would eventually get Harry. It might take another twenty shots, but they'd get there. Po cackled, like a man possessed. He tried to shoot Harry again, but he missed much to Harry's relief. Thank God for those Pilates lessons.

Snape was truly amazed at Harry's improved flexibility. Perhaps he ought to try these Pilates lessons himself... But now was not the time to think of such things; he needed to convince Harry to use the Pilates case against those wretched beings. "Just do it Harry! Or I will!" Snape snapped, glowering at Harry.

Harry mumbled something under his breath (which Snape suspected was a curse), but obliged. He picked up the case and hurled it with all his might at the Teletubbies... unfortunately; Harry wasn't good at throwing things. He was a Seeker and Pilates expert after all. "Whoops."

Snape sighed as the case landed directly in front of Harry. Stupid boy. Couldn't do anything on his own without some form of assistance. He walked over to the empty case, picked it up and hurled it at Po's head. The annoying, stupid red Teletubby squealed, dropped to the floor and successfully shot himself.

Excellent.

With Po down, the other Teletubbies lost their confidence. They were worried; Po was their leader. Without their leader they were lost. The Teletubbies scratched their heads in confusion, looking at each other. Snape aided Harry up from the floor. "You need to learn how to throw things properly," he mumbled.

Harry pouted. It wasn't his fault they relied so much on magic they forgot how to do basic physical things such as throwing objects. Muttering to himself under his breath, he tried to convince himself he wasn't a complete loser. Snape sighed, rolled his eyes and glanced at the Teletubbies. "You have to leave this place and never return. I will tell Voldemort you failed."

They nodded and dragged Po out of Harry's damaged room, talking in their bizarre language. Harry couldn't be bothered trying to comprehend what they were saying. He just wanted to return to his Pilates exercises. Speaking of Pilates... he turned to Snape. "You threw my precious case." He picked it up and examined it for damages. There was a slight crease in the paper. "And it's damaged. You need to buy me a new one."

Snape looked at him in disbelief. "You're kidding?"

Harry shook his head. "No."

Well, at least it gave him an excuse to go out and buy some Pilates tapes... not that he would tell Harry that. "Ok, I'll buy you a new one then." Snape exited the room, eager to find some Pilates tapes. As soon as Snape left, Harry returned his attention to the screen. Time to work on some buttocks toning.

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I apologize for the lengthy delay. I actually forgot about this story as I've been pretty busy with all my other stories. As always, reviews much appreciated! I hope you enjoyed this crazy crack fic.


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